The Importance of Being Validating

Have you ever gotten a message that says, “please validate your email address”?

Yes, of course you have.  You own a computer.

Have you ever responded, out loud, “great job, email address!”?  I have.

We live in a world that is all about fixing things.  We live in a world where people walk around wearing shirts that say “good vibes only”.

I have no problem with good vibes.  It’s the word “only” that makes me cringe.

Emotions are not about only.  When you say “good vibes only” you make no room for the bad vibes.  And, you know what?  Bad vibes come at us sometimes (and your t-shirt isn’t made of lead).

How about “good vibes sometimes”?

What if we validated ourselves, and those around us, by saying “it’s totally ok to feel bad vibes sometimes.  And, it’s totally ok to feel good vibes sometimes.”  There is space for BOTH of those things to be true at the same time.

Validation is a tricky thing.  As a coach, my job is to solve problems and help people move forward.  But, I think I’d be doing everyone I coach a disservice if I didn’t first say “well, that really sucks” if they are going through something rough.  And, I’d be a really terrible coach if I didn’t first listen.

My dear friend Katie is so awesome at this.  When I’m going through something rough, she says things like “oh my gosh, that sounds really hard.  And, here’s the deal, you are an awesome person and I know something good is in store for you!”  Being around Katie is like being in a candy store.  She makes me feel so happy and bright because she validates like a rockstar!   She acknowledges the hard stuff, because she listens with empathy, and she makes room for the good stuff, too!

Have you ever taken the time to really listen to someone?  Maybe you have.  Maybe you haven’t, though.  I have some really great friends who are not really great listeners.  I have been that friend, too.  Many times.  I try hard to not be that friend anymore.  It’s something I actively practice.  Isn’t it isolating when you encounter people who don’t listen because they are just waiting for their chance to speak?

Years ago, I was introduced to a guy by a mutual friend.  I was just starting a business and he had just started a business, too. We exchanged an email and agreed to meet, just to connect some more.  When I sat down with him, he gave me a pitch. He flipped through slides, people! He wanted to be my financial advisor. Then, at the end of the talk he pulled out a page of my LinkedIn connections and asked me to circle the people he could reach out to in my network!

No, that’s not a joke. It was an awful meeting and a super valuable learning moment.  Think I hired him?  Um, no.

By the way, the financial advisors I do work with are the complete opposite.  They sit me down and say “who can I connect you with and how can I help you?” They go above and beyond and they listen.  It’s not just good business, it’s good human behavior! It’s validating!

So, how can you validate someone?  You can look them in the eyes.  If that doesn’t feel comfortable to you (I have a brother who is a person with Autism and I understand that eye contact is not for everyone), find another way to show that person that you are really listening to them and not just waiting for your moment to talk about yourself.  There is so much talk these days about empathy.  I think empathy starts with one single concept: listening.

If someone is having a hard time, let them have a hard time.  Maybe they will ask you for help, maybe they won’t.  The key is to listen and to validate their emotions.  It’s ok for them to feel whatever they are feeling.

That’s basically it, folks.  That’s validation.  You can give them a hug, if they are cool with it and you are cool with it.  You can cry with them.  You can smile while you listen, or nod your head.  It’s not your job to grab your toolbox and get to the bottom of it.  Your opinion isn’t important (I know.  Shocking, right?).  Your eyes and your ears and your arms are important.  If they need something more from you, they might tell you.  Or, you can ask.

Let’s all be better to each other. Whatever you are feeling is okay.

And, the next time you park somewhere and ask “do you validate?” ask yourself “do I?”

This guest blog was contributed by Tiffany Farber, a Career and Professional Development Coach in the Chicago area.  Tiffany is an Illinois licensed attorney with a background in disability rights law.  Tiffany began coaching in the higher education space in 2011 and has worked with students and professionals in industries including law, journalism, public relations, communications and marketing.  Tiffany is a passionate advocate for authenticity and empathy in both the personal and professional arenas.  In addition to coaching, Tiffany is a writer and comic in the Chicago area.